I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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