and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
