Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
