I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
