Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
