covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
