I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
