i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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