hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
When did angry sex become our thing?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
