Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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