nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
