i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize