Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
