Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize