Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Randomize
