Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize