I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
