It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
