HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
