nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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