at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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