Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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