My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize