Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
