life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
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