Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
