Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
