you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's official drugs can't kill me
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
