**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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