I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
