Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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