trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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