i would punch a child for taco bell
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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