my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
