i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize