don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
