Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
