You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
