Having a random hookup so left but love u
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
