Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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