You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
