My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
