Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
