I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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