I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
