She is in my trunk
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
