At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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