pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
