I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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