I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
