Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
