can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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