why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
