watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I touched a dick in church today
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
