just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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