I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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