He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
