Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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