nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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