I cut my penus on the lid.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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