ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
