It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize