Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
