I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
