I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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