I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
