My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Pooping to opera.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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