I need to stop coming to work sober
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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