cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize