Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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